Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
