my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
