You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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