12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
