In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
