I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
