i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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