dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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