mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
