Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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