apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
