My girlfriend figured out who you are.
time to smoke my breakfast
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
