It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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