It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
