my soul wont recognize me after tonight
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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