she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
