How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
