So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
