She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
