This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I haven't been this sober since birth.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
