I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
