so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
