So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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