I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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