I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
