Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My ass is underappreciated
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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