I just saw a hot homeless man
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
