I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
