don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
even my farts smell like vagina
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
