Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
