I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Panties = found
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
