i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
