Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
