Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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