I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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