If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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