i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
