You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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