i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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