we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
