fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
