if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
