if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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