So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Everyone says I win the strip club
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
