I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
