Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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