Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
is that a dick in a sweater?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
