Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
