I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
