I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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