The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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