that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
