so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
